Brian Williams: Hero of the Crimean War

nbcI’m standing behind NBC anchorman Brian Williams in his hour of tribulation. While millions excoriate the fetching TV man for stretching the truth (OK, outright lying) about being present on a U.S. Army helicopter that was struck by enemy fire over Iraq in 2003, I believe only a moron would make such a preposterous and easily-debunked claim that if revealed would devastate his career (and nullify his $10 million contract). Forthwith, to my knowledge, no one has produced a single test score or brain scan that indicates Brian Williams is a moron. Hell, he might not even be an imbecile, for that matter.

Besides, the record implies otherwise. From the research desk at Major Terata Publications, what follows is just a sampling of Williams’s exploits that have altered the course of history for the betterment of America and, and judging by the turmoil dear Brian has endured of late, its ungrateful citizenry.

Outside the Washington Hilton Hotel, March 30, 1981

As would-be presidential assassin John Hinkley fired his pistol at Ronald Reagan that rainy afternoon, Brian Williams was on the scene from Pittsburg, Kansas reporting for KOAM-TV. Although Reagan took a round to the mid-section and Press Secretary James Brady suffered a bullet to the head, it could have been worse. “It wasn’t until later,” said Brian, “that the Secret Service told me a bullet headed straight for Reagan’s heart had struck my Cross pen and deflected harmlessly into a wall. I was so shaken after the first gunshot rang out that I totally forgot about the pen.” Brian continued, “I’d show it to you but the Secret Service confiscated it. I heard it’s at the Reagan Library somewhere.”

At the White House, outside the Oval Office, 1996.

Inside the White House following an interview with Attorney General Janet Reno, Brian happened upon a young intern who was scurrying from the Oval Office. “As a noted investigative journalist, I sensed something odd about the demeanor of this young woman, whom I later learned was an intern named Monica Lewinsky,” recalled Brian. “I remember she was wearing this awful blue dress – with a big, gooey stain right there on her bosom. That woman – Ms. Lewinsky – obviously recognized me right away because I was NBC’s chief White House correspondent at the time, so she confided in me that the stain was presidential semen.” Showing remarkable aplomb, Brian counseled the anxious Lewinsky. “Don’t have your dress cleaned. Keep it in safe place in case we ever need DNA to clone President Clinton.”

At Columbine High School, Columbine, CO, April 20, 1999

Cutting short a skiing vacation in Vail upon hearing the breaking news of a massacre underway at Columbine High School, Brian arrived at the scene in time to save at least three students. Some years later, upon deeper recollection, he raised the number saved to five. “The place was a madhouse. Hysterical kids running with their hands raised. Parents jockeying for position hoping to catch a glimpse of a loved one. Utter pandemonium.” Brian stopped to brush aside a tear. “Knowing that mayhem was still occurring inside what had once been a safe place of learning, I ran inside to assist in the evacuation. I’m not sure whether it was Harris or Klebold, but one of those bastards was shooting down the hallway. I corralled three (editor’s note: now five, per Williams’s press agent) students into a classroom and out the window. I’m quite sure at least one student escaped a sure shot to the head when the bullet deflected off my Blackberry.”

On board United Airlines flight 93, September 11, 2001

In a situation that would portend the awful fear Brian had to endure aboard the helicopter in Iraq, hijackers representing Al Qaeda commandeered a United Airlines plane out of Newark heading for San Francisco. Brian remembers being on that plane. “We tried to figure out how to land safely,” he said, “I seem to recall we landed very quickly and hard. We were stuck, a bird over Pennsylvania and we were north out ahead of the other Americans chasing us in fighter planes.” At this point, Brian’s memory fades. “I just can’t remember how I wound up back in the studio in New York that day. I wish I could. Just the fog of war, I guess.”

At Osama bin Laden’s compound in Abbotabad, Pakistan, May 2, 2011

“It was zero dark 30 and I was embedded with the Seals on a mission to avenge a terrible wrong committed on 9/11. I was in the helicopter that crashed landed on the wall surrounding Bin Laden’s compound. By the way, what the fuck is with these helicopters, man?” Brian takes a moment to regain his composure before continuing, “I was standing right next to Rob O’Neill who led the charge up the stairs to the third floor where Bin Laden was presumed to be hiding. O’Neill bursts into the room and there before us is the tall visage of the most wanted man in the world.” Brian breaks into an almost imperceptible grin of pride. “Rob boy squeezes off a round, which deflects off my iPad and catches Bin Laden right between the eyes.”

For obvious reasons of national security, this detail is left out of Rob O’Neill’s interview on Fox News.

But as anyone can plainly see, Brian Williams’s record of heroism in the line of journalistic duty is above reproach. Expect to see Brian back on NBC within a week, promoted from The Nightly News to hosting The Biggest Loser.

From the “Never Knew That” Department

New York Giants football fans know and mostly revere the name Mara. Tim Mara founded the team in 1925, and when he died in 1959 his son Wellington took over the reins. He ran the club until 2005 when he kicked the bucket as well.

Then just the other day, Wellington Mara’s wife of 60 years – the former Ann Marie Mumm – succumbed from injuries sustained after falling on the ice. She left behind 11 children and 42 grandchildren.

And one of those grandchildren is actress Rooney Mara, pierced-punk co-star of the racy film “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.”

I wonder what Grandpa Wellington thought when he saw Rooney – playing Lisbeth Salander – vengefully shoving a huge dildo up the “tight end” of a sexual tormentor.

Rooney Mara shows her stuff.

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