President-erect Trump is off to a great start saving American jobs. As he informed his millions of Twitter followers, Trump read the riot act to Ford Motor Company about their plans to move a manufacturing plant from Kentucky to Mexico. Throughout the campaign that would not die, Trump excoriated companies like Ford, Apple and Carrier for their off-shoring of jobs, and promised to bust their balls with punitive tariffs if they moved plants overseas. Now, after receiving a tough call from Trump, Ford decided to back down from their greedy and patently un-American plot.
There is some chatter in the dishonest mainstream media (aka. “Lugenpresse” by the alt-right that likes to appropriate Nazi lingo) that Ford never had plans to close the plant where Lincoln MKCs are made – but the evidence is overwhelming that Trump is wasting no time making America great again.
Making golf great again
Country-clubber Trump used his tremendous influence with the Professional Golf Association (PGA) to cancel plans to move the Masters tournament from Augusta National to a course in Thailand. After shaming the PGA, Trump tweeted, “I worked hard with Hootie Johnson to keep the Masters in Georgia. I owed it to the great State of Georgia for their confidence in me!” When a wise-ass from Sports Illustrated tried to argue that the PGA never had plans to move the Masters from the place it has been played since 1934, Trump brusquely retorted that he had heard it from Tiger Woods when the two were picking up waitresses outside a Denny’s restaurant in Gainesville.
Making McDonald’s great again
Fast-food addict Trump intervened with McDonald’s CEO Steve Easterbrook to thwart their plans to repeal the Big Mac sandwich and replace it with a potato latke. Trump made the announcement from @realDonaldTrump: “America was made great on meat, not on the lowly potato. Misguided McDonalds. SAD!” Dan Quayle enthusiastically liked the tweet but noted, “It’s spelled potatoe.” Easterbrook, through his communications director responded, “We never had a . . . ah, never mind. Thank you Mr. President-elect. We look forward to zeroing out our taxes under your beautiful plan.”
Making NYU great again
When he heard that New York University located in that largest of defiant sanctuary cities was planning to make Spanish the official language of their English Literature program, Trump intervened with provost Katherine Fleming to get the liberal school to back down. Busily tweeting at 3 AM high atop Trump Tower: “I worked with Fleming (a 4 at best) to keep English in the English Lit program. I owed it to the great state of New York for their . . . wait. WTF!”
Making the day great again
Amid rumors that God was pissed at America for, well, you know – Trump (God’s gift to said world) appealed to the Supreme Being to let the sun come up the next day. Yes, he tweeted the glorious news. “I worked hard with God to keep the sun rising – not that we need it when we have so much beautiful coal, but I owed it to the great state of Florida (Sunshine State!) for their confidence in me!”