Strap Gail Collins to the Roof

gailwoofGail Collins, one of the lamer op-ed columnists for the New York Times wrote a piece the other day about Mitt Romney’s embarrassing dinner with Trump in which the former Governor and presidential candidate sucked up to the orange man in a futile gambit to become Secretary of State. As soon as I saw that Romney was Gail’s subject, I knew instinctively that she would throw in an aside about Mitt’s dog traveling to Canada on the roof of his car. You see, many years ago it was reported that Romney once drove to Canada on family vacation with Seamus the Irish setter riding atop the minivan in a cage strapped to the vehicle’s roof rack. As Mormon Mitt has a large family – a wife and five boys – it would not seem to me a flight of fancy that the dog might take the trip in his own carrier, no doubt protected from the elements in a properly outfitted cage. Seamus probably endured nothing more stressful than any dog who has flown sedated in the belly of an airplane.

But for some bizarre reason Gail Collins thinks this is an affront that must be mentioned every time Romney appears in one of her inane op-ed columns. Sure enough, as if edicted by Federal law, in her column of December 15 titled For Mitt Romney, Dinner and a Kiss-Off , she wraps up the piece by noting, “And, of course, he’s the guy who once drove to Canada with the family Irish setter strapped to the roof of the car. The worst part was his excuse — not ‘too many kids in the back seat’ but ‘my dog loves fresh air.’ Somewhere, the spirit of Seamus is laughing.”

You think I’m joking about her obsession with Romney’s god-damned dog? It even got so bad, that Gail once wasted a full NYT column – something any pundit or observers would kill for – explaining her obsession with Seamus on the roof. It appeared on March 7, 2012 in puff piece titled Dogging Mitt Romney. But needless to say, she proceeded to hype the meaningless event, tethering it to Romney whenever he appeared in one of her columns.

As Romney hasn’t been big news since he lost his bid in 2012, we have to go back a few years, but here’s a sampling of Gail’s handiwork:

Mitt! Again! What? ; June 18, 2014
Don’t leap to any conclusions. After all, there are a lot of different ways to be back. You can be back as in “back running for president.” Or just back as in “back in the public eye.” Or back driving to Canada with a dog strapped to the car roof.

Mitt’s Oval Office Moment; November 30, 2012
As Romney’s SUV approached the White House grounds, police stopped a man who tried to reach for the car yelling “Mitt! Mitt!” It wasn’t clear what he had in mind. Perhaps he was an angry dog lover who still hasn’t gotten over the fact that Romney once drove to Canada with an Irish setter strapped to the car roof.

Anybody Notice a Pattern?; November 16, 2012
It appears that Mitt Romney was a terrible presidential candidate. O.K., some people have known that ever since the story broke about strapping his dog on the car roof. But now we seem to be reaching a consensus.

Mitt’s Snake-Bit Season; September 19, 2012
It’s not all that unusual for a vice-presidential candidate to go low-profile. And it is totally not true that Mitt Romney strapped Paul Ryan to the top of a car and drove him to Canada. Stop spreading rumors!

Political Page Turners; August 17, 2012
Ryan is the one who likes to catch catfish by sticking his fist into their burrows and dragging them out by the throat. Romney is the one who drove to Canada with his dog strapped to the car roof.

Mitt’s Political Vortex; July 13, 2012
The Republicans currently have a symbolic legislative agenda and a presidential candidate who can be in two places at one time, but whom nobody likes. Other than that, it’s all good. Nobody’s brought up the dog on the car roof for days.

The (Sort of) New Mitt; June 22, 2012
“This isn’t an election about two people. This isn’t an election about being a Republican, Democrat or an independent. This is an election about …
A) lowering the corporate tax rate.”
B) lowering the individual marginal tax rates.”
C) keeping dogs off the car roof.”
D) the future of America.”

Mitt Speaks. Oh, No!; February 1, 2012
Does anybody truly believe that Romney is planning to spend any presidential time dreaming up ways to fix the safety net for the benefit of the very poor? Be real. This is the guy who drove to Canada with the family dog strapped on the roof.

OK, Enough already. Screw you, Gail Collins!

Trump Has to Pick Another Agriculture Secretary


After the sudden death of Zsa Zsa Gabor at age 99, it’s back to the drawing room for Trump.

The orange man originally had his sights set on nominating Eva Gabor for Agriculture Secretary on the strength of her performance as the Manhattan socialite who moves from her penthouse apartment on Park Avenue to work a ramshackle farm with her lawyer husband on Green Acres.

Unfortunately Eva died in 1995, something unknown to Trump’s transition team – and a story denounced as fake by Trump for a week on Twitter.

Anyway, following his landslide victory, Trump turned to Eva’s sister Zsa Zsa, knowing from personal experience that real awesome talent runs in families. Furthermore, both Hungarian actresses were once highly grabbable 10s – so they had that going for them.

Now with Zsa Zsa’s demise Trump will probably nominate his second choice: a Mr. Haney from Hooterville.

But first he must have a highly publicized dinner with contender Heidi Heitcamp so as to set her up for humiliation down the road.

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