“O” Zone Depletion

Bill O’Reilly articulates his feelings about getting the boot from Fox

In his most recent and ill-timed book release titled “Old School,” one-time king of Fox punditry Bill O’Reilly – sounding like a crotchety bastard who demands of neighborhood kids: “get off my lawn!” – bemoans the loss of such wonders as land-lines, and misses the days when a kid could enjoy the freedom of falling off a bike and breaking his skull instead of having to wear a doofy-looking helmet that might save his life. Those who disagree with Mr. O are derided as “snowflakes” – presumably a swipe at people who now attend “New School.” This is just what America needs right now: a clueless screed by an angry white dude who remembers the world through the eyes of Ward Cleaver who was often justifiably “hard on the Beaver.”

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Another observation O’Reilly makes of the “old schoolers”: “Boys never bothered girls because of the ‘Brother and His Large Friends’ rule.” I interpret that to mean that if it weren’t for those annoying protectors, O’Reilly and his fellow O.S.-ers would have been free to cop feels, slip tongues, reach under plaid uniform skirts, and otherwise take advantage of the fairer sex. Contrast O’Reilly’s righteous defense of girls from “Old School” to his alleged (and now infamous) “loofah” comments to Andrea Mackris who sued him in 2003:

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I guess Andrea didn’t have a brother with large friends at the time.

In any event, O’Reilly’s dalliances with women who find him repulsive go back a long way, and have left a trail of million-dollar settlements – ultimately paid for by 21st Century Fox corporation and its shareholders. Despite the continued misbehavior, Fox Chairman Rupert Murdoch stood by his ratings beast O’Reilly whose prime-time cable show brought in disproportionate revenues for the company. Until it didn’t. After a scathing front-page story in the New York Times (and a steady drumbeat of follow-up coverage) detailed Mr. No Spin’s sordid behavior, advertisers headed for the hills. The loss of revenue coupled with more derision than even hard-boiled Fox execs could bear drove the Murdoch’s to the same decision they arrived at with portly blob Roger Ailes this past summer.

Despite paying the $13 million bill for O’Reilly’s misbehavior, Fox kept him in the prime-time slot, judging the settlements a simple cost of doing business. But all good things must come to an end, so O’Reilly has taken his $25 million severance and left what had long been known to his critics as the “Oh, Really? Factor.”

Once he takes a well-deserved vacation – perhaps Thailand where he can proposition pre-teen sex workers who are too young to sue – Bill O’Reilly can start work on his next book, a sequel this time.

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