Remember Tora Bora? Until the other day it hadn’t been in the news for years, so it’s completely understandable if someone born after 1996 thinks Tora Bora is a tiki bar drink served in a coconut carved in the shape of a monkey’s face. But others will recall it as the rugged mountainous region interlaced with caves and tunnels on the border of Afghanistan and Pakistan where Osama bin Laden and his murderous Al Qaeda and Taliban acolytes hid out after the U.S. began its retaliation for the events of 9/11. It was at Tora Bora where American special forces closing in on bin Laden’s ass were pulled aside, on the orders of the George W. Bush administration, so that the local Afghan mujahadeen could close the deal. Who’d a thunk that the Afghan mujahadeen might be susceptible to taking bribes to allow bin Laden to escape into friendly Pakistan where he’d live another dozen years to watch porn and plot intergalactic destruction?
Anyway, after a decade in which Tora Bora was so low key that even Airbnb to this day has no listings, we saw this ominous headline:
The first and only legitimate reaction has to be: Why is ISIS still around to sneak into Tora Bora given Trump’s claim more than a year ago that he has the best plan to beat the Islamic State (a plan he was keeping secret so as not to tip off terrorists, or worse, to inform one of his competitors for the nomination of his master plan)? The future POTUS boasted at the time at a rally in Connecticut, “We’re gonna beat ISIS very, very quickly folks. It’s gonna be fast. I have a great plan. It’s going to be great. They ask, ‘What is it?’ Well, I’d rather not say. I’d rather be unpredictable.”
Strangely – after all, he said he already had the perfect plan – once in office on January 28th, Trump signed one of those nifty leather-bound folders with his Crayola thus ordering his generals: “Within 30 days, a preliminary draft of the Plan to defeat ISIS shall be submitted to the president by the secretary of defense.”
Then, precisely 30 days later the Defense Department laid on Mr. Orange a plan so terrific he had no choice but to tout its brilliance. “As promised, I directed the Department of Defense to develop a plan to demolish and destroy ISIS, a network of lawless savages that have slaughtered Muslims and Christians and men, and women and children of all faiths and all beliefs. We will work with our allies, including our friends and allies in the Muslim world, to extinguish this vile enemy from our planet.”
That’s the plan. And that’s why ISIS now owns Tora Bora.
I Love the Smell of KY in the Morning
I have a feeling actual Vietnam vets may not agree with draft-dodging Trump who once said this: “It’s amazing, I can’t even believe it. I’ve been so lucky in terms of that whole world, it is a dangerous world out there. It’s like Vietnam, sort of. It is my personal Vietnam. I feel like a great and very brave solider.” And this: “You know, if you’re young, and in this era, and if you have any guilt about not having gone to Vietnam, we have our own Vietnam — it’s called the dating game. Dating is like being in Vietnam. You’re the equivalent of a soldier going over to Vietnam.”
Trump’s version of a land mine? Vaginas.
Presumably Mr. Germ-a-Phobe Donald Trump has managed to escape contracting any serious venereal diseases throughout his meat-market days (although based on his pronouncements of late, we can’t rule out the belated effects of syphilis). And because he personally requires no assistance to deal with sexually transmitted diseases, it only makes sense that no one else in America should either.
Today, six members of the Presidential Advisory Council on HIV/AIDS (PACHA) resigned in protest of the Trump administration. One of those members, Scott Schoettes said, “The decision to resign from government service is not one that any of us take lightly. However, we cannot ignore the many signs that the Trump administration does not take the on-going epidemic or the needs of people living with HIV seriously.”
Schoettes noted that the Trump administration took down the Office of National AIDS Policy website and has not yet appointed anyone to lead the White House Office of National AIDS Policy.
Maybe if Schoettes and his gang had served in Playtime-Vietnam like Trump, he wouldn’t need to fret over a few HIV/AIDS sufferers who must recognize that, according to the late, great and likely queer Jerry Falwell, “AIDS is not just God’s punishment for homosexuals. It is God’s punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals.”