Both houses of Congress have voted to approve their respective Republican-led tax bills and now move to reconcile the differences in committee before defecating the final result onto Trump’s desk where he waits to sign anything that makes him look like he’s accomplished something. Factions on all sides have opinions on the soon-to-be-law ranging from it being the seed of greatest economic boom since Ramses III to a deficit-exploding give-a-way to no one but corporations and rich bastards. TV’s talking heads and radio’s blithering bloviators seek to lure feeble minded Americans to their points of view. But none of their shit an’ shinola means anything when you consider that taxation in America follows a well-worn trench of tautologies. To wit:
- Tax cuts don’t pay for themselves.
- Deficits and national debt don’t matter to Republicans unless a Democrat is president.
- There is no tax policy so onerous that can’t be fixed with a special interest gift to a member of Congress.
- Companies that get a tax cut will not use their increased net profits to reward their employees with raises.
- In an equal and opposite reaction, federal tax cuts will be offset by state and local tax increases.
- Tax policy follows the Pareto Rule on steroids: 95 percent of the benefits go to the top 5 percent.
- Companies that bring back overseas profits during a low tax amnesty will not spend the money in creating new jobs or expanding investment, opting to buy back shares and paying dividends to their executives.
- The number of small businesses and family farmers that pay the inheritance tax is about the same as the number of unicorns in Central Park.
- For every tax loophole removed two more are created.
See how easy it is to understand “tax reform” when you realize all the important things are just a foregone conclusion?
Assholes of the Week
In a toss-up for this ignominious accolade, Senators Orrin “the Snatch” Hatch and Charles Grassley have come out tied for asshole of the week by virtue of their head-shaking observations about the recent abortion known as “The Tax Cuts and Jobs Act.”
When Snatch was asked why Republicans were about to pass tax cuts worth a trillion dollars for corporations and business owners while the Children’s Health Insurance Program remains unextended, the Senator from Utah explained: “The reason CHIP’s having trouble is we don’t have any money anymore.” Amazing. Snatch’s hands are tied in funding a vital program that helps deliver health care to kids from poor families due to a lack of money …. because he gave it all away to those far more deserving, like Exxon Mobil and Apple. Now that’s true asshole-dom.
But Chuck “the Fuck” Grassley was right there with Snatch – breathing down his neck vying for the Asshole of the Week award. Opining on the wisdom of eliminating the Inheritance – opps, I mean Death Tax, Grassley noted that wealthy people who make money from money deserve a break over the shlubs who opt to spend it. “I think not having the estate tax recognizes the people that are investing … as opposed to those that are just spending every darn penny they have, whether it’s on booze or women or movies.” In other words, a guy who bought stocks and bonds in 1969 and sat on his hoard until he croaked should be rewarded with a tax-free transfer of his stash to an heir, but his neighbor who went to the Cineplex with a bottle of Ripple and a wench on his arm to watch “Hangover 3” should be punished – even beyond the pain of sitting through that pile-of-shit movie.
Coming from Iowa, Grassley could contend for both asshole and cornhole of the week.
In a recent TV ad for Optimum Internet, soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo gets locked out of his hotel room, stranded in the hallway wearing just a pair of black briefs. A sexy hotel maid comes to the rescue, but not before taking a picture of the hottie forward and posting it onto social media. Thanks to the speed and reliability of Optimum Internet the photo rapidly goes viral among hundreds of ogling women who can barely stifle orgasm at the sight of Ronaldo’s chiseled bod. Quickly, the surreptitious photo makes it on national news. In the end, Ronaldo, back in his hotel room chuckles upon seeing his nearly naked body broadcast on live TV.
Now, imagine the ad with a sexy model in skimpy panties and bra. And a bellboy spreading a spycam shot of her to a thousand sweaty dudes. Then picture the head of the managing director of Optimum’s ad agency resting on a platter.