The Shit Trump Sez

PoopThis is not a piece about Trump’s wild claims and serial prevarications. Many in the media have dissected his bizarre obsession with the non-crowds at his inauguration, and the provably false assertions that he won the popular vote if you discount the several million illegal immigrants who pulled the lever for Senora Clinton. For years Trump pimped the Obama-Kenya canard, and when he finally admitted Obama was in fact born in America, he took credit for debunking a myth he claimed was started by Hillary Clinton. Yeah, Trump says some weird shit.

But this piece is about the verbal tics that Trump uses; repetitious words and phrases that might suggest the guy has some crossed wires in his addled brain. Consider this mess of words Trump uttered a couple days ago when addressing the on-again/off-again summit with “Supreme Leader” Kim Jong-un.

“We’re gonna see what happens. We’re talking to them now. It was a very nice statement they put out. We’ll see what happens. No, no, we’ll see what happens. It could even be the 12th. We’re talking to them now. They very much want to do it. We’d like to do it. We’re gonna see what happens.”

We’re gonna see what happens. That’s one of the more ubiquitous Trump-tics; spoken so often and in so many situations that the New York Times felt compelled to do a full story on it. Hell, he even got Rex Tillerson hooked on it.

He’s used some variant of “We’ll see” when speaking about the future of Michael Flynn, the Iran deal, Steve Bannon, NAFTA, Syria, Robert Mueller and many other topics for which he has no definite idea what to say. I’m waiting for this inevitable interaction with the press: “President Trump, now that you’ve shit your diaper, will the elastic band withstand the pressure?” — “We’ll smell what happens.”

Trump also loves to go superlative when speaking of himself and his big ideas – so much so that he’s practically worn out the effect.

  • “I will be the greatest jobs president that God ever created. I tell you that.”
  • “I will build a great wall – and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me.”
  • “I cherish women. I want to help women. I’m going to be able to do things for women that no other candidate would be able to do.”
  • “I am the least anti-Semitic person you’ve ever seen in your entire life.”
  • “I have the best people.”
  • “I am the least racist person, the least racist person that you’ve ever seen, the least.”
  • “I know words, I have the best words.”
  • “I’m speaking with myself, No. 1, because I have a very good brain and I’ve said a lot of things.”
  • “I’m the king of debt. I understand debt better than probably anybody. I know how to deal with debt, so well. I love debt.”
  • “I beat China all the time. All the time.”

You almost expect him to apply his over-the-top observations when speaking of bad things. I’m surprised he hasn’t yet noted on his watch the “greatest school shooting ever” or “the biggest, best Ebola outbreak of all time.”

And Trump just can’t help but attach the word “beautiful” to practically every object and subject he speaks about – especially things that are rarely, if ever, associated with beauty – like military equipment, coal and even his fucking temperament!

Of course there’s Trump’s “big, beautiful wall on the Southern Border,” but he’s also said this beautiful shit:

  • “We’re gonna have that big, beautiful door in the wall.”
  • ”I was sitting at the table. We had finished dinner. We’re now having dessert. And we had the most beautiful piece of chocolate cake that you’ve ever seen and President Xi was enjoying it.”
  • “Sad to see the history and culture of our great country being ripped apart with the removal of our beautiful statues and monuments.”
  • “One of the things that we will discuss is the purchase of lots of beautiful military equipment because nobody makes it like the United States.”
  • “And the arena erupted in boos toward the end of his [Ted Cruz’s] speech, because they saw he wasn’t going to endorse. And I thought that was a beautiful thing.”
  • “My temperament is totally controlled, so beautiful.” That’s my favorite.

The man mangles the English language more than Foster Brooks or Jose Jimenez ever did.


Read this and tell me if it doesn’t sound like it was translated from Mongolian into Pig Latin using a Speak-n-Spell. from 1980.


Conservatives called Reagan the Great Communicator for his ability to read the teleprompter like the professional actor he once was. Trump will go down as the Most Beautifulest Tawker Ever in the Wholest of the Whole World Ever.

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