Musings on July 4


Confident that a Trump cock is bigger than a Hancock, the Orange Man chose July 4th to take his rightful place on the Declaration of Independence, ensuring that his Rorschach Test of a signature goes down as the hugest scribble in Colonial history.

And while he was at it, Trump underlined a few passages he pledged to investigate further, including “absolute Despotism,” “Cruelty & perfidy,” and “obstructed the Administration of Justice.”

3-2-1 Boom!

What would Independence Day be without the fireworks, which thanks to relaxation of laws and rules regulating their possession have sold at record numbers. According to the American Pyrotechnics Association , sales of fireworks to consumers in 2017 reached $885 million – an increase of 7 percent over 2016, and up over 100 percent since states began to expand legality of explosive devices.

When I was a young boy – the kind of person who wants fireworks more than any other demographic – all fireworks designed to blow up were verboten in Pennsylvania. We could light sparklers and black snakes, but not a silver-tube or an M-80, as those products actually exploded.

This was the extent of our fireworks enjoyment in Puritan Pennsylvania.

If someone wanted that kind of contraband they had to drive 30 minutes to Ohio where the rednecks there sold practically every type of fireworks. My friend’s father was one such mule, transporting hundreds of dollars worth of Chinese-made, often low-quality fireworks – many of which failed to explode at the last second, tempting kids into relighting a two millimeter long fuse. And what could go wrong with that?

Eventually, as with lottery tickets and casino gambling, states that restricted sales of fireworks realized they were playing the patsies to bordering states with more liberal laws. Now the map of the country as it applies to fireworks looks like this (curiously, Ohio is now among the most restrictive purveyors):


With that much “blue” across the country, the fireworks business (sorry, pyrotechnics industry) should enjoy revenue growth for years to come.

Let’s give them a hand.


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