Keanu Reeves: Four down and 46 to go

Keanu Reeves has appeared in three movies with a state in its name: “The Prince of Pennsylvania” (1988), “My Own Private Idaho” (1991), and “Feeling Minnesota” (1996). And in 1991′s “Point Break” he plays an undercover FBI agent with the unlikely name of Johnny Utah. That’s four states. Only 46 more to go for the slacker-method actor to fill out the entire Union.

To help him progress toward this dubious goal I recommend a few projects to consider.

“North by North Dakota” – In this sequel to “North by Northwest” Keanu takes over Cary Grant’s role as ad-man Roger Thornhill who, in a case of mistaken identity, is pursued into Fargo by two mis-matched kidnappers-for-hire. In a nod to the original movie’s famous crop-duster chase scene, Keanu must outrun a menacing wood-chipper.

“Indiana Jones and the Hospice of Doom” – Keanu is the nephew of setuagenarian Indiana Jones played once again by an addled Harrison Ford who is now confined to a wheel chair and spends his days in a hospice whipping the nurses with his shoelace and slurping soup. After Indiana rolls away unnoticed by hospice staff, Keanu must divine the soup’s three mystery ingredients to lure Indy back before the Nazis invade Boca Raton.

“Gimme Tax Shelter” – In this gritty thriller centering on rogue tax lawyers bending incoporation statutes, Keanu plays Dickie Delaware, undercover CPA. Dickie must delay the tax lawyers’ ringleader just long enough so that he misses a key filing deadline.

“The Joe Montana Story” – On the strength of his role as quarterback Shane Falco in “The Replacements” Keanu is a natural to play Joe Montana in this compelling bio-pic. The ups and other ups of Montana’s career provide plenty of feel-good moments as well as acting challenges as Keanu repeatedly makes love to his ego.

“Who’s afraid of Virginia Wolfe” – In a twisty remake of the original adaptation of Edward Albee’s vitriolic play, Keanu takes on the role of Martha, the alcoholic shrew wife of George, tentatively to be played by Whoopie Goldberg.

“Shutter Rhode Island” – In this creepy tale in the vein of “The Devil’s Advocate,” Keanu undergoes significant cosmetic make-over to portray Lincoln Chafee, a vindictive liberal governor who forces one town after another into bankruptcy after residents refuse to raise taxes to offset skyrocketing public sector employee pensions.

“The Story of O-hio” – Buffed Keanu gets naked in this story of a sexually liberated fashion photographer who grows up in uptight Cincinnati. A true slut, he submits to having his penis branded with the initials of his lover, poses for Robert Mapplethorpe with a hamster in his anus, and finally, finding true happiness, moves to metropolitan Akron to open a tantric massage parlor above the local Red Lobster.

“New Mexico” – In a nutshell: “New” meets “Mexico”.

“Oklahoma!” – Keanu sings and dances … ah, nevermind.

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