The Breck-encrusted squirrel that rides atop Donald Trump’s head has long been the subject of much derision and the source of great mirth for late-night television comics. A favorite from Craig Ferguson: “Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on his head has had its vaccinations.” And whenever I see the game-show scene featuring Billy Crystal from “Mr. Saturday Night,” I can’t help but think of Trump’s “fuckin’ hair.”
But this blog is not another derivative swipe at the world’s wackiest comb-over. Rather, it’s to make a case that Trump’s refusal to back down in the face of relentless opprobrium speaks volumes about his approach to life, business and politics. No doubt he could easily afford to tame the toup’ and sport something bearing a more human-like appearance. Consider Andre Agassi. As time took its toll on the star tennis player’s pate, he gracefully surrendered the mullet to reality and wound up looking quite a bit less ridiculous in the process.
But that isn’t Donald’s nature. The more people pile on with the snide “pelt” jokes and “carpet sample” cracks, the more Trump augers in. Even though it must take at least a half dozen stylists several hours to tease up enough hair from his back and asshole to cover his head, he presses on. Like Gene Shalit’s pubic moustache, Norman Lear’s porkpie hat, Angus Young’s silly schoolboy uniform, Bono’s sunglasses and Stevie Van Zandt’s kerchief, Trump’s hair has become an integral part of his persona, for better or worse. Don’t expect him to ever change.
And in that way, should Donald Trump make it all the way to the top, the world would see what America would have been like had Dick Cheney been president. No amount of facts, logic, and expert persuasion could change Mr. Five Deferment’s mind – and it would be the same with Trump. Screw anyone who might make an attempt to bring reality into the equation. “You say it’s impossible to deport 11 million people from the United States and inconceivably expensive to build a wall from South Padre Island, TX to Chula Vista, CA? You’re Fired!”
And for that alone it would be fun to watch Trump prevail – provided you’re witnessing the debacle from another planet.
De Blasio and Bratton: Defenders of the Faith
More insidious than ISIS. More disgusting than cockroaches. More destructive than Godzilla. More dangerous than the third rail.
Mayor Bill de Blasio and his Police Commissioner Bill Bratton have trained their steely eyes on vanquishing the biggest threat to New York City to emerge since Anderson Cooper took over for Dick Clark on New Year’s Eve: Los Desnudas de Tiempo Cuadrado!
As if full-sized Elmo’s and Betty Boop’s weren’t bad enough, tranquil and venerated Times Square (the Crossroads of the World, for god’s sake!) has been overrun by nude women (well, g-strings and painted boobs, but still…) posing and panhandling. What’s next for Times Square? Giant billboards of men and girls wearing slinky underwear in sexually suggestive poses? Oh, wait.
De Blasio and Bratton have no other mission than to stop the madness, and recently revealed their master plan: tear up the pedestrian promenade of Times Square and return Broadway to the rightful owners: taxi cabs and massive double-decker tour buses.
But the Puritans had better watch out. Because when the editorial pages of two diametrically opposed newspapers make the same argument against you – slow down.
The Wall Street Journal wrote over the weekend, “If there are no pedestrians, there will be no one to harass. By Mr. de Blasio’s logic, he could end homelessness by removing parks, benches , subway grates, doorways and the sidewalks where transients build their encampments.”
Likewise, the New York Times observed, “On Thursday, Mr. de Blasio suggested one solution: eliminating some of Times Square’s pedestrian plazas, apparently on the theory that if you can get tourists to go away, you reduce the topless-woman threat.”
Bratton and de Blasio should give up the crusade and head to Coney Island instead like the freaks they are: two dicks and a pair of boobs.